While I’ve been neglecting this blog as it is, I think it’s time to let it go.
Why? Many reasons. Time management. Lack of blog-worthy materials. People following me that don’t have healthy boundaries. The whole nine 😉
I’ve been working on me lately. And I’ve made a lot of progress. One of the biggest things that I always -knew- but hardly took action on was knowing where I should act and where I should not. Where I should THINK and where I should not. Stress, anxiety, and depression swirly in various quantities and I let it drive for me. I cut caffeine over 10 days ago, alcohol even longer than that. How is this related? I’m getting there.
I’ve been hitting the gym at least 4 times a week, using the hour I have for lunch at work and kicking my stress in it’s teeth, feeling it melt off. I’ve been eating better, my diet more centered around whole foods and nutrient density, and I’ve been getting more sleep. Not the full 8, but more 🙂 It is AMAZING what happens when your body is actually getting what it needs to operate fully.
No, it is not the end all. It does not equal happiness. But it is a step up in the water to keep you from drowning. Increased energy means more energy at home to get ahead of the game, meaning less stress. Stress prevention!
But what all this boils down to is CHOICES. I CHOOSE how I react to things. I CHOOSE my actions in the first place. I CHOOSE to dwell on more positive things. I CHOOSE my part, and let other people make their own choices. If I feel I’ve wronged someone, I apologize. If someone is rude to me, I can choose to address it, or not take it personally. I CHOOSE to let it ruin my day, if it does. I have to LET this happen, I am not an innocent bystander in my own life. This comes from learning way too much re: people in my past that want to be victims. Not to be confused with actual victims… I CHOOSE agency. I CHOOSE happiness. And with happiness, there must be BOUNDARIES.
Last summer was a proverbial shit storm, and I – a mess. Stress hit from work, from having a newborn, from having hung out with the wrong people, from having some excellent support, but still surrounding myself with negativity and letting my thought process drive through negative town. I was wallowing in it. I CHOSE not to any longer. There was no one to blame but me. You can be angry with someone. You can not agree with that they do, but after that, you are choosing to stay around them. That’s on you.
I am still SO far from done. So far. But things are infinitely better than they were even a year ago. I found a new job that lets me come home feeling peaceful. I stay on top of my shit so I stay ahead. I watch my thoughts. I work on writing. I establish clear boundaries. I hang out with people that see the positive, not dwell on the negative. I choose responsibility, and by that, I choose happiness 🙂
Is it hard? Fuck yes. I haven’t had wine in ages. I LOVE WINE. But it was a bandaid. It was an immediate, short term bandaid for stress that did nothing in the long run. Junk food? Miss that too. Eating quinoa salad for lunch is much less appealing than Cheese Wizards, but I feel alert and awake more so than I have in years. It’s work. But it’s awesome.
Kind of all over the board here. I apologize. I haven’t NOT felt tired in so long… It’s strange
Oh the blog. Don’t get me wrong. I love rambling. I do. But my time now is about things that are going to help the future – to be responsible and/or happy, and I just don’t want to make time to blog and rant about my life changing day as the world’s most special unicorn. Just know in the future that I am happy with my family, that I still bake a delicious pie, that I am still trying to find Seattle’s best pizza, and the writing community is a brilliant, amazing place where responsible adults talk about deliciously nerdy things.
I am growing daily. I hope to even be more together next summer, and the one after that, and so on. But last summer made me realize how I had some really terrible coping mechanisms, and anger. And instead of holding it against me, my amazing friends expected better of me, and I love them for that. And I want to show my kids how to own your behavior and be a decent frickin human being even when stress wants to make you explode.
I’m taking what time I would blog and putting it to constructive use on my work in progress.
And I’m letting all the negativity go ❤