Where do I begin? In the last week I have attended an out-of-state convention and started a new job. Anxiety? Yes. In buckets. I’ve learned that even positive changes disrupt my mojo and make me feel off kilter. But GOOD THINGS! Random Parks and Rec gifs because it is my go-to show in the time of political and personal turmoil.
I recently finished an audiobook I only entertained because I had no others, and it was the deal of the day. It was called Suggestable You and, for the most part, went over some obvious psychology ideas. What I DID appreciate, however, was that it really hammers in that we create our own reality. We decide how we’re going to feel, how we’re going to respond, and what kind of life we’re going to have, ultimately. I have been working a lot on self-improvement, as touched on in the last blog. I realize I dwell on a lot of things and have been working on using my energy wisely and not letting negativity steer. It was a lot of work at first, but honestly,as I’ve done it more and more it’s been easier and easier to do as it’s rewarding in itself. I still get anxiety but I actively work to override the worst edges of it.
And drinking. Oh drinking… Since I claimed to give it up, I’ve slipped twice, but while I still miss it I can tell you life has been 100% simpler without my favorite bandaid. I want to add that several people came up to me and discussed this with me at Norwescon and offered support and that is just so, so amazingly generous. Also a little frightening – I tell myself no one reads this.
Which brings me to Miscon – What a fantastic convention. Small but it’s bigger on the inside. I had the fortune of making the 8+ hour drive with friends. This is where Suggestable You comes in. Midway there I realized I had a pretty serious case of food poisoning. I can’t stress enough how much I appreciate my travel mates and their patience as we made several stops. Ew. Right? But once there I didn’t let this ruin the trip for me. Nor did I let a rather rude encounter with a guest of honor upset me. Too much.. I had a chill and wonderful time, made some dynamic new friends as well as spent some quality time with tried and true friends. It would have been all too easy to sulk in my motel room and let the sickness sour everything. I powered through Friday and Saturday and it did get infinitely easier.
Missoula, Montana has the lovely small town feel I grew up with in Oregon. The people are sweet and conversational. It is HOT as Hades and the local ice creamery is all the sweeter for it. I enjoyed this on the last day as my stomach was still pretty angry Fri-Sunday. This may have helped the not drinking, but this was my first completely sober con. I had food poisoning, and nerves anticipating starting my new job Tuesday, but all of the social/nervous energy was manageable because I wasn’t trying to drown them.
I kept stressing the idea of starting a new job and having no idea how it was going to go. In the “managing energy” department, I kept refocusing on the immediate convention, and on friends, and sure enough, any stressing was for not. The job is amazing and everyone there easy going.
Since leaving my job of over three years at the tail end of 2016, it has been a struggle. I knew I wanted to get out of logistics and into a more traditional office setting. I know I like working with data and don’t necessarily like extroverted quest lines. My new assignment places me in the heart of Bellevue, in a big, beautiful building, and behind an updated computer and a sit-to-stand desk. My officemates are lovely, progressive people for the most part, and my job allows me to listen to audiobooks while I solve problems. Achievement unlocked. I am so content here. It is everything I’ve been looking for. The caveat is that I am still on a trial basis and will not know for a while if they will take me on permanently. I do know that I work hard and am a diligent worker bee.
But as far as the craziness the last few years have entailed – staying here permanently would resolve a major life piece that’s been out of whack for ages. I don’t know about you, but as a single mom, I find steady, low-key employment to be an asset. This will also be my first summer in four years I will be fully present for as I will not have what was called “peak season” over the whole sunny season. I won’t miss that.
Next month I turn 31. 30, and 29 too, have undoubtedly been the most upside down years in my existence. There have been extreme highs. Extreme lows. Just…craziness. I am focusing on the positive. I am a person that likes routine in the day to day life, with adventures on weekends and delicious foods and familiar company. I am grateful for all the messes the last year has brought because I have learned, if not all my flaws, a damn good deal of them. I’ve opened the messy closet of my soul and starting getting shit organized. Yes, every time I move one thing it makes a mess somewhere else, but it feels so good to be working on it. Kids aren’t that stressful. Yeah, I said it. We have a routine. We have our day to day with some amount of predictably. I have a new job I would love nothing more than to keep. I’m alcohol-free. I’m working in the whole foods, though life is too short to not enjoy –some- pizza. I’ve been working out regularly and it does wonders for stress. I’m taking accountability. I’m finding the bugs. I’m working them out.
And I love every damn one of you for what you’ve done to help along the way.